excerpt from frozen water by louie <- discord

He remembered when he used to hate the snow. It was cold and cumbersome, a harsh and unforgiving change to any previously welcoming environment. And he hated it. But feelings can change all too quickly, just as the sun melts snow into puddles of grey and lovers can turn to strangers in the blink of an eye. Things rarely work the way you want them to and when you realize too late the things you learned to love became things you have to miss, it’s irreversible. Like how that grey puddle doesn’t turn all soft and white when the sun goes down, and new days come by where there’s no longer snow.

It was a Saturday in December. He remembered because it was that Saturday, the one they used to spend in the park holding hands, watching children play with snow and wondering what it would be like to one day have children of their own. He remembered the way they would laugh, gripping his hand a little tighter so they wouldn’t slip on the icy sidewalk as the sounds of their joy escaped from the depths of their throat. He crossed to the other side of the street, desperately attempting to avoid his thoughts as he walked away from the park. He passed by the stores lining the streets, happy couples brushing by him as they remained too enamoured with each other to notice his misery.

As he came to the end of the street, he noticed the small cafe they often stopped by after their winter afternoons in the park. He fought the way his mind ached to flood him with the memories of them, standing outside the cafe together as they begged him to step inside and grab something to eat. Before he knew it he was standing outside of the cafe, watching people enter and leave as he questioned what he was doing there in the first place. He could feel the warmth emanating from inside, the bright lights and inviting atmosphere making him feel safe despite his place outside on the snowy sidewalk. He wanted to go in. But he was afraid.

The smell of fresh pastries called to him from inside and the feel of his tired and frozen limbs begged him to enter, but as soon as his hand came to rest on the door he felt his mind rush with the recollection of that being their place. No, he decided. It would hurt too much.

As he turned to leave, his eyes caught sight of a familiar yellow scarf, like the one they would wrap around his shoulders to drag him around to places he had no interest in being.

!!! under construction !!!
my dearest prince by louie <- discord
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do you remember happy? by louie <- discord

sometimes i wonder.
if you remember what it feels like to be happy
if you remember what it feels like to be your own person
if you remember what you were before you weren’t anymore
do you remember when balloons would bring you joy?
when toys meant friends and friends meant love?
when books made you smile and movies made you laugh,
and the world was bright and lovely?

do you remember that?

or do you remember it like a dream?
like it only happened in your imagination.
unreal.
unreachable.

gone when you wake up and realize that reality is nothing like it
do you remember when happy wasn’t just finding out your friend has made it to live another day?
when it wasn’t just finding out you’re not a disappointment?
do you remember when happy was never about faking it to save others?

knowing you’d do it again and again and again until it broke you down and you couldn’t fake it anymore?

do you remember when happy wasn’t just thinking about a future that might never come?
losing hope but hoping it would come back?

do you remember real happy?

real happy that doesn’t cry behind closed doors.
real happy that doesn’t break down when no one is watching.
real happy that doesn’t sit in the dark, late at night to think about what real happy must feel like.

trying so hard to remember something that might never have existed because i don’t recall ever being anything beside what i am now.

and what i am now isn’t real.

and it certainly isn’t happy.

a letter to my love by louie <- discord
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Hey ///,

You seem happier nowadays. I love that for you. I’d be glad if I was the one who made you happy. Or even the one who keeps you happy. I hope you know how much I care. I really do. I try my best to show it too, but I know it doesn’t always work. I hope you know how much I trust you. I really do. I try my best to earn yours too, but I know that it’s harder. I hope you know how much I love you. I really do. I try my best to let you know, but I know I still don’t say it enough.

I want you to know that I love you so strongly sometimes it’s invisible. That my hard exterior covers the love I so desperately try to show. The one that festers beneath a surface of rock-solid unfeeling and destroys me when I keep it hidden. I want so badly to let you know how much I adore you. Sometimes I think I might burst with the love I have for you. I’m saddened by the fact that you can’t always see it. That it hides inside me, cowering in the dark.

You seem every day to me more and more like a fever dream. Really and truly, in every possible way you just might be. Although I hope you aren’t. You make me lovesick. In all the best ways.

Love,
Lou

(names have been redacted for privacy)